Fear and Loathing in Santee

Fear.. do you know it? I never have.

I've been told I have a 6X9 cm. tumor on my right kidney. There is a whopping 5 - 10% chance that it will turn out to be benign.. Not very good odds. I would never shoot craps at those odds.

It will most likely turn out to be a fun little number known as Renal Cell Carcinoma (RCC) .. that's kidney cancer to us regular folks.

I am scheduled for surgery on April 14 to have my right kidney removed.

Now, I am getting more acquainted with fear.

Fear of pain. Fear of the unknown. Fear of death. Fear of losing my quality of life.

Fear of leaving my family.. my wife - the love of my life.

I am a champion at over reacting. There is every reason to believe that my tumor has not spread.. I will have my kidney out and that will be the end of it. Life will resume as normal. If it has spread, however, I could be in for a very long ride. But I have joined a mailing list, a support group for people with this disease and let me tell you, there are people on there with problems that make mine seem petty indeed. My chances, from what I know so far, are pretty good. Some of these brave people are facing down death on a daily basis.

They are awesome people. They kick ass.

I figured that if ever there was a time for me to start writing in this thing, this is it. I think the RCC mailing list owners are getting tired of my rantings anyway so I'm going to start coming here to spew out my bullshit instead.

For some reason, I seem to be better at writing when I know I have an audience. I may be the only one ever to read this so its more difficult for me.

But at least here, I'm the boss so I can say whatever crazy stupid shit I feel like. :) I'll just imagine I have readers.. like Stephen King's "Constant Reader".

Well, I'm already stuck. I have lots to say.. I just need to force myself to get used to this format. I'll be back.