"..and we call it knowledge and change and life itself..." ~ Blues Traveller

This might be my last entry for a few days. To give myself something to do, I've decided to reformat my hard disk and re-install Windoze XP.. My system needs it badly.. its full of junk. So, my computer will be down for a day or two at least.

First off, some good news.. My pathology report is a good one (I'm told).. Here it is:

A. Kidney, right, nephrectomy
- CLEAR CELL RENAL CARCINOMA, 6.5 CM, GRADE 3/3, CONFINED WITHIN RENAL
CAPSULE, STAGE 1bNXMX
- RENAL VEIN WITHOUT MALIGNANCY
- ADRENAL GLAND WITHOUT MALIGNANCY
- SURGICAL MARGINS CLEAR

Don't ask me what all the numbers mean. They must be ok since Doc Khaw has said I am "cured". Thats not to say it can't come back or that it hasn't already spread in ths far undetectable ways... But, I guess it qualifies as good news.

I guess I should be happy.. and I am, I suppose but something is making me uneasy just the same. Happy: 1. No work for another month, 2. doc says I'm cured, 3. I seem to be healing up really fast. I don't really feel bad at all... considering. 4. lots of time to play all the new computer games I've gotten recently, 5. Lots of family and friends in my corner, rooting for me. 6. Lots of other stuff that should be keeping me happy.

But I am a worry wart, as those who know me well will attest.. I have the folks I've met on the RCC mailing list.. people with lots of experience with this disease, telling me that I should be kicking and screaming, demanding to be scanned from head to toe to make sure my cancer hasn't spread. They say its my life and I have a right to take every precaution. Apparently, my HMO doesn't do further scanning in cases like mine unless the Dr. thinks its neccesary (he doesn't) or in case of symptoms.

Then I have the other side.. certain family members.. that urge me to just accept. Be happy that I am "cured" and trust the Dr. to do the best thing. Heal up, quit worrying and get on with life.

I don't really know what to do. The list people may seem a little paranoid to people who have never been thru something like this.. But they have experience.. sometimes, the disease DOES come back.. people do die.

Doc says I have an 80% chance of remaining NED (no evidence of disease) for 5 years... I guess thats supposed to be encouraging but... He never said what happens after that 5 years.

Am I being paranoid? Should I just heal up and shut up? Or am I being too trusting? Should I be exhausting every resource to make sure I have the absolute best chances of surviving?

One thing I will not do is drive my family into financial ruin by persuing something that may or may not be neccesary.

Grrrrr.. Its a quandry, to be sure.

Do I have a sense of relief? Yes, I do.. but this and other concerns are chipping away at it. I suppose things will level out over time.

I must fight the childish desire for someone to make my decisions for me.. to relieve me of the worry and pressure. It is my life, after all.

I guess thats it for now.. I have lots more on my mind but need to let it all simmer a bit. Not sure how much of it, if any, belongs here..

See ya next time!