Computers Suck!

"Let's face it, the average computer user has the brain of a Spider Monkey."
- Bill Gates

They really do. Suck, that is....

Do you speak Geek?

I just spent the better part of 3 days fighting with evil computers, rat's nests of tangled cables, burned out power supplies and unnecessarily complicated Microsoft silliness.

See, my power supply fried which caused my hard drive to crash which scrambled all my data thus making my email inaccessible.

Ok, so no biggie, right? A quick run to the local Geek Shop for some parts and I'd be back sending out annoying emails and goofy blogs in no time. Think again... I forgot to take into account that my poor old brain just doesn't work like it used to. You might say that the data on my internal bios is a little hosed... and my memory ain't so hot either.

Random Access indeed...

I'll spare you the gory details but to make a long story short... I got all the hardware installed without incident. Got Windows installed and updated with all the hundreds of security updates, service packs and some other weird stuff which I don't even know what it does but I apparently need.

It wasn't until I began trying to restore all my important data that things began to go haywire. Backing up and restoring data is a normally simple procedure that soon had me cursing the day Bill Gates was born, gnashing my teeth and staring numbly into a blank monitor for minutes at a time.

All my emails, medical records, financial records, passwords and on and on... about 20 years worth.. all gone. Well, not gone exactly - the data was still there on the disk, I just couldn't seem to get it back into my system in a usable form. It should have been simple.

For 8 hours, maybe more like 12, I read articles and FAQs and expert advice from an army of Windows gurus, following intricate instructions to the letter, all just to get my email program to be able to see my emails again. Nothing worked.

Around midnight, after having struggled mightily on this one problem for the whole day and night, I ran across a few lines of simple advice from some anonymous guy on the web, an amateur geek like me. Just like that, problem solved. Once I knew what to do, it took me all of 5 minutes to finish the job.

But I'm finally back up and running and, much to my surprise, I only spent 74 bucks. I must have done something wrong.


I'm not sure there is a point to this story except maybe to point out that as miserable as I make it all sound, I was secretly enjoying myself. Even before all my cancer woes, getting myself all caught up in a computer problem or project was an enjoyable experience even when it started edging from interesting to annoying to frustrating.

Now days, I figure that being distracted and annoyed by inexplicable and mysterious computer problems is more fun than being depressed and anxious about cancer.

Besides, maybe it will help keep my brain from turning to mush.

So with all that in mind and now that my system is working well again, I've decided to start 2 new projects.. First, I'm going to redesign this Blog (to go along with the new name I'm trying to come up with).

And, for a bigger challenge, I'm going to turn this older system that I have laying around into a file server for my network using Ubuntu Linux.

I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment but hell, it beats sitting around worrying about being sick.

And for now at least, I've got nothing but time....

Toys!

"Money, its a crime.
Share it fairly but dont take a slice of my pie.
Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil today.
But if you ask for a raise its no surprise that theyre
Giving none away."
~ Pink Floyd


Maybe I'm a selfish and greedy person.

No, I *am* a selfish and greedy person.

Every time I get to feeling sorry for myself I run out and buy myself someting, usually some new toy. Unfortunately, I like expensive toys - electronics, mostly.

So since coming home from the hospital with a hole in my head, I've bought an Xbox 360 (400.00), several computer and xbox games (200.00 or so), various cables and accesories for the above (150.00 or so)

Today, I'm going out to buy 2 new hard drives because I'm having trouble with my computer and replacing the drives is the easiest way to get out of the mess even though I could probably fix it myself without buying anything given enough time and patience.

I justify it by telling myself that I need to get my system working well while I still can in case I atart losing my marbles from my up-coming radiation treatment.

But I do feel guilty because my loving spouse is in a vulnerable state, as strong as she is and I could probably talk her in to letting me buy nearly anything right now. I'm not deliberately taking advantage of the situation but yet I continue to buy things (Oh yeah, I forgot that copy of Windows Vista - 100.00) (BTW, if you are tempted to upgrade your computer to run Vista, I'd advise you to hold off for 6 months or so while they fix all the bugs - it sucks right now in too many ways to list here).

I'll try to stop buying myself things after this. I promise!

I'd rather be dead--I'd rather be dead
I'd rather be dead than wet my bed
I'd rather be dead--I'd rather be dead
I said dead than wet my bed

Oh, I'd rather be gone--Than carry on
I'd rather go away--Than feel this way
Oh, I'd rather be there--Where you haven't got a care
And you're better off dead--Though it doesn't seem fair

Oh, I'd rather be dead--I'd rather be dead
I'd rather be dead than wet than wet my bed
I'd rather be dead--I'd rather be dead
I'd rather be dead than wet than wet my bed

(Laidies)
I'd rather keep my health--and dress myself
But you're better off dead than sitting on a shelf
(Men)
I'll tie my tie 'till the day I die
But if I have to be fed then I'd rather be dead
And when he takes my hand on the very last day
I will understand because it's better that way

Oh! It's nice to be alive--When the dream comes true
You'll be better off dead--It could happen to you
Oh! I'd rather be dead--I'd rather be dead
I'd rather be dead than wet my bed
I'd rather be dead--I'd rather be dead
I'd rather be dead than wet than wet my bed
(Alright! Give yourselves a big hand!)
[Clapping.]

~ Harry Nilson

"And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right?...Am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
~ Talking Heads

And I ask myself, how did I get here? Oh, I understand it well enough - the paths I took, the choices I made.

I often wish I could write it all down, just for the record or, who knows? Maybe it would help someone. Maybe someone important.

Maybe not.

One day I might even have even been able to do it, to write it all down. I used to dream of being a writer, you know. I even began trying several times over the years with varying success but like so much else in my life, it mostly ended up as, to quote Mr. Pink Floyd, "..plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines...".

So how did I get here? Maybe I had a little help - a push here, a tug there. But essentially, I brought myself here. There is no one to blame.

I have regrets, I have shame, I have lessons ignored or missed entirely.

Never fear, it's not ALL bad news. I also had my glories, my joys and plenty of good times.

Wanna know the one thing I would say that was my biggest mistake though?

Here it is: I spent, perhaps the first 3/4 of my life under the mistaken belief that nothing mattered.

Nothing. Nothing I did, nothing I said, nothing I believed... none of it.

Boy was I wrong.

I'll try to explain it better here later if I can but if you ever find yourself thinking that nothing really matters, please disabuse yourself of the notion right away and it may save you a whole lot of trouble.

Everything matters.

Everything.

Oh and by the way...

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut (So it goes...)

I'd be kicked out of the NFL for doping right now...

In the interest of keeping up to date here is the latest and greatest but because I'm also feeling lazy, it's just going to be another paste job from my recent List post regarding steroids... Enjoy!

--snip--

I didn't have a very good week since my SRS treatment.

Once I got home, I found that the steroids they had me on were making me very aggressive, easily angered and downright nasty.

Since, as usual, the docs at Kaiser barely spoke to me, I had no idea what to expect. It started causing so much trouble that I had several huge fights with my wife (even after nearly 30 years together, we rarely fight or even argue) because neither of us understood what was happening. I guess she thought I'd just turned mean on her.

Well, we finally figured it out and the Doc said I could try going off the steroids but of course, as usual, never giving me any real idea of what to expect by doing so.

So I weaned myself off the steroids over a period of days.

The agressiveness went away almost immediately and things seemed to be returning to something closer to what passes for normal for me these days...

But by the 3rd day, I began feeling horrible. The headacges came back, the mental confusion, anxiety and panic attacks.

Thinking things were OK, Dianna had been trying to go back to work but by the 4th day, I was so weak I could barely walk, my field of vision and the confusion had forced me to voluntarily give up driving again. I was crying and shaking - a complete train wreck.

I was convinced that my brain mets had grown or multiplied. I thought I was dying.

So last thursday, my wife had reluctantly gone in to work but after a few hours, I called her to come home. I was so messed up, I could barely speak.

We called my local onc. and he says something like, "oh yeah, we were concerned that you might not tolerate being off the steroids.."

Well thanks a lot for letting us in on that little detail, Doc!

So, I went back on the steroids and felt better again within 24 hours. It's been 3 days and so far, there hasn't been too much problem with the aggression/agitation.. just 1 or 2 minor flare-ups and now that Dianna understands what's going on, she's learning to simply ignore me if I start acting like an ass**** and that helps.

I also stay pretty doped up on Ativan and sleeping pills at night and that helps as well. Though I hate like hell to take those types of drugs, it seems I have no choice now.

I am also getting concerned about side effects from the steroids, especially after reading up about them in the archives here. They have me on a pretty high dose.

I also understand that being on steroids can keep me from being treated for my lung mets, at least as far as IL2 is concerned. I'd appreciate any insights in regards to these last 2 paragraphs..

Anyway, that's the story so far... I have a appt. with Dr. G in Riverside in a week or so and will hopefully learn more then.

Keep fighting, RCC Warriors!

--snip--