So how do you like the new layout so far? It's not much but I'll continue tweaking it as I go along.
The picture up top is of my desktop here at CroakerJoe central, in case you're wondering.
Does anyone actually read this thing or am I just blabbing to myself? Comments are definitely encouraged :)
Maybe I should say something outrageous and see if anyone bites?
In other news.. I begin my Whole Brain Radiation treatment on monday. I'm still a little apprehensive about it but am resigned to it. With new lesions popping up every month like bad pennies, I guess I'm pretty much out of options.
If this doesn't work, I'll still be able to go back and do more targeted radiation zapping if need be so I ain't done yet...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Messy Boy
"I've been uptight and made a mess
But I'll clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care"
~ Traveling Wilburys
Here I am in the Santee Library again.. my new hang out. It's nice & close by and I could walk to it if need be.
For some reason, I find sitting in here better for thinking and writing that sitting at home. Less distractions I guess. Only bad part is that there is no nearby caffeine pusher to feed my habit. That's just as well, I guess. I'm jumpy enough naturally these days.
So tomorrow is a big day for me. Going to see Dr. Smith, the Radiation Oncologist to hopefully find out the whats and whens regarding my treatment. I am assuming they will still want to do the Whole Brain Rad. but don't really know. Since there have been other developments, they may suggest more targetted treatment for all I know. I would prefer that but don't really relish the idea of going up to Hollywierd again.
I'ts more likely to be WBR THEN SRS if needed.
I feel pretty good.. about as normal as I ever do these days. Of course, I'm doped up on Ativan to keep me from getting the heebie-jeebies. My thoughts feel pretty clear though, which they have not been lately.
I think I figured out whatI was trying to say the other day with all the death-talk...
It's not so much that I'm fixated on my own demise.. I'm certainly not suicidal or anything like that; I rather like being alive, even when being alive sometimes sucks, as it does for all of us sometimes.
But I would sor of like to know what some of my doctors feel my prognosis is. I have not asked. I know it's not very promising but I also know that it's not as bad as many folks out there have to face.
As someone on the List said recently, milk has expiration dates - people don't. So any answer I got would be taken by me as a challenge to prove them wrong by outliving my expiration day.
But having some idea of what to expect, in general, would be helpful to me because it would effect my actions in a dramatic way. If, for instance, I were to be told that I am not likely to be around a year from now, I'd work a lot harder at enjoying what I have left and at fixing some of the problems I'd like see fixed before I check out.
If they believe I have longer, why then I'd feel less urgency about these things - though I still need them fixed. I have a fair share of messes to clean up before I go, if you know what I mean.
But I'll clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care"
~ Traveling Wilburys
Here I am in the Santee Library again.. my new hang out. It's nice & close by and I could walk to it if need be.
For some reason, I find sitting in here better for thinking and writing that sitting at home. Less distractions I guess. Only bad part is that there is no nearby caffeine pusher to feed my habit. That's just as well, I guess. I'm jumpy enough naturally these days.
So tomorrow is a big day for me. Going to see Dr. Smith, the Radiation Oncologist to hopefully find out the whats and whens regarding my treatment. I am assuming they will still want to do the Whole Brain Rad. but don't really know. Since there have been other developments, they may suggest more targetted treatment for all I know. I would prefer that but don't really relish the idea of going up to Hollywierd again.
I'ts more likely to be WBR THEN SRS if needed.
I feel pretty good.. about as normal as I ever do these days. Of course, I'm doped up on Ativan to keep me from getting the heebie-jeebies. My thoughts feel pretty clear though, which they have not been lately.
I think I figured out whatI was trying to say the other day with all the death-talk...
It's not so much that I'm fixated on my own demise.. I'm certainly not suicidal or anything like that; I rather like being alive, even when being alive sometimes sucks, as it does for all of us sometimes.
But I would sor of like to know what some of my doctors feel my prognosis is. I have not asked. I know it's not very promising but I also know that it's not as bad as many folks out there have to face.
As someone on the List said recently, milk has expiration dates - people don't. So any answer I got would be taken by me as a challenge to prove them wrong by outliving my expiration day.
But having some idea of what to expect, in general, would be helpful to me because it would effect my actions in a dramatic way. If, for instance, I were to be told that I am not likely to be around a year from now, I'd work a lot harder at enjoying what I have left and at fixing some of the problems I'd like see fixed before I check out.
If they believe I have longer, why then I'd feel less urgency about these things - though I still need them fixed. I have a fair share of messes to clean up before I go, if you know what I mean.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
He's Gone...
R.I.P. Murphy
?/?/1993 - 05/24/2007
He was the best dog we ever knew...
Good boy, Murphy!
Good bye, old friend...
?/?/1993 - 05/24/2007
He was the best dog we ever knew...
Good boy, Murphy!
Good bye, old friend...
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Lazy
Here's another cut n paste job from my latest List post...
---snip---
Last night, one of my onc docs called me back late in the day and insisted that I increase my steroids back to near my original dose.
I can't remember everything she said but apparently, I have "a lot going on" with new growth in my brain and this is the only way to control it until I enter treatment (whatever that turns out to be..) I assume she meant controlling the swelling seen on my MRI last week.
I am pretty disappointed because I had been scaling back my dose (under doctor's instruction) and only had a week to go before I'd have been off them completely, even if only for a short time... I really hate taking those things.
Still, I have to admit that even though I've been feeling fairly good lately, I can already tell that my mind is clearer after only 24 hours on the higher dose.
I am still waiting for the written report from the MRI as which time I'll have a clearer picture of just how bad my new situation is. I get the feeling, judging from the way the doc relayed the news to me that I'm in a bit of trouble this time around.
The odd thing is, over the last week or so and with a few exceptions, I'm feeling better than I have in several weeks
Oh well, back to the drawing board...
---snip---
---snip---
Last night, one of my onc docs called me back late in the day and insisted that I increase my steroids back to near my original dose.
I can't remember everything she said but apparently, I have "a lot going on" with new growth in my brain and this is the only way to control it until I enter treatment (whatever that turns out to be..) I assume she meant controlling the swelling seen on my MRI last week.
I am pretty disappointed because I had been scaling back my dose (under doctor's instruction) and only had a week to go before I'd have been off them completely, even if only for a short time... I really hate taking those things.
Still, I have to admit that even though I've been feeling fairly good lately, I can already tell that my mind is clearer after only 24 hours on the higher dose.
I am still waiting for the written report from the MRI as which time I'll have a clearer picture of just how bad my new situation is. I get the feeling, judging from the way the doc relayed the news to me that I'm in a bit of trouble this time around.
The odd thing is, over the last week or so and with a few exceptions, I'm feeling better than I have in several weeks
Oh well, back to the drawing board...
---snip---
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Dog Years
"In a dog's life
A year is really more like seven
And all too soon a canine
Will be chasing cars in doggie heaven
It seems to me
As we make our own few circles 'round the sun
We get it backwards
And our seven years go by like one"
~ Peart
A sad day has come.. Our dog, our friend, protector and companion these last 13 years has reached the point in his life where the kindest thing we can do for him is to put him down.
His name is Murphy.. we usually just call him "Murph". He's been the most gentle, smart and fun dog I've ever known.
We have an appointment this Friday to have the vet come to the house and take care of it. I haven't cried yet but I know I will.
My wife is already extremely upset. Though it hurts for Jason and I, I think that for her, it is nearly the same as losing a child. She just lost her mother last year and if you've been paying attention, you know my own situation.. She is an amazing woman, stronger than I ever would have guessed but I worry about the added strain.
Murphy has had something called Hip Dysplasia which is something like arthritis for dogs. It's so bad now that he can barely get up to eat without our help. He also has several other problems and basically has very little quality of life remaining. You can see that he is in pain much of the time and he's sleeping when he's not.
This should have been done months ago but it's taken a while to convince Dianna that it really is the most humane thing to do for him now. But she has finally accepted it so Murphy will be leaving us this Friday.
A very sad day indeed.
Good dog, Murphy.. may you find an endless supply of lizards to chase and faces to lick.
A year is really more like seven
And all too soon a canine
Will be chasing cars in doggie heaven
It seems to me
As we make our own few circles 'round the sun
We get it backwards
And our seven years go by like one"
~ Peart
A sad day has come.. Our dog, our friend, protector and companion these last 13 years has reached the point in his life where the kindest thing we can do for him is to put him down.
His name is Murphy.. we usually just call him "Murph". He's been the most gentle, smart and fun dog I've ever known.
We have an appointment this Friday to have the vet come to the house and take care of it. I haven't cried yet but I know I will.
My wife is already extremely upset. Though it hurts for Jason and I, I think that for her, it is nearly the same as losing a child. She just lost her mother last year and if you've been paying attention, you know my own situation.. She is an amazing woman, stronger than I ever would have guessed but I worry about the added strain.
Murphy has had something called Hip Dysplasia which is something like arthritis for dogs. It's so bad now that he can barely get up to eat without our help. He also has several other problems and basically has very little quality of life remaining. You can see that he is in pain much of the time and he's sleeping when he's not.
This should have been done months ago but it's taken a while to convince Dianna that it really is the most humane thing to do for him now. But she has finally accepted it so Murphy will be leaving us this Friday.
A very sad day indeed.
Good dog, Murphy.. may you find an endless supply of lizards to chase and faces to lick.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Blah, blah, blah...
"It's nature's way of receiving you
It's nature's way of retrieving you
It's nature's way of telling you
Something's wrong..."
~ Spirit
Hi there...
Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I had sort of a bad week last week, mostly due to the damned steroids, I think. I've been steadily reducing my dose, trying to get completely off the damn things before I am forced to go right back on them when they start up the Whole Brain Radiation.
I can hardly wait.
I've been awake since 2 AM. Although I am an insomniac and am often up at hours like this, it is intentional this time. I have to take an EEG test at 8 am this morning which means I will need to be able to fall asleep in the doctors office. This is so they can study my brain waves as I sleep.
I'm not certain what they hope to gain by doing this but what the hell, I'll play. I just hope I can fall asleep when they want me to.
So this new Doc I have seems like a good one. She's a neurologist and is checking me for seizure risk originally but now has taken up an interest in my entire case. Apparently, one of her specialties is brain tumors, mostly primary ones but she is, she says, knowledgeable about metastatic tumors as well.
Perhaps because she noticed that I didn't even have a doctor lined up to follow-up my upcoming MRI, she has sort of taken me under her wing and will be reviewing the MRI results with me next week.
It's sort of comforting to finally feel like someone has taken specific interest in my case and I am very grateful to her for that. But she's a very direct, no-nonsense doctor and our visit left me thinking a little more seriously about my condition and prognosis.
All this has led to me getting myself into a not-so-good state of mind. I feel like my health, both mental and physical, is declining. But then I wonder.. is the way I feel from all the drugs they have me on? The steroids? (I'm nearly off them for now - taking a very small dose and will be completely off them in another week or so. Just in time to go back on them when or if I start the WBR treatment).
I seem to have more mental fogginess, I feel weaker physically.. more headaches. My new Doc says some or all of this could be a direct result of just being a person that has cancer and brain mets. But there's no way to really know. I could be a mixture of all of the above. Much of it might be depression - you know, thinking myself sick again.
Whatever it is, I don't like it. The end result is, I'm spending way too much energy and time thinking about my own death..
Am I dying? Eventually, of course. But more and more, I get the feeling that it may come sooner than anyone, including myself, wants to admit. I've learned too much. I know what my odds are and they are not good.
But the small part of me that wants to be more optimistic knows that anything could happen. I know that there are people out there that have lived on with worse odds than I have. I also know that all this death-talk is not helping me at all and I want to knock it off. It is not an easy thing to do though.
Screw this. I have no idea where this post is going now, though I knew when I started out. I sure didn't mean for it to become so depressing. I think I'll stop now and hope that my original idea comes back to me because this is not what I started out to write about today. I didn't intend for it to become such a bummer, as we used to say back in the '70's.
I'll try to come back to it later...
It's nature's way of retrieving you
It's nature's way of telling you
Something's wrong..."
~ Spirit
Hi there...
Sorry I haven't been posting lately. I had sort of a bad week last week, mostly due to the damned steroids, I think. I've been steadily reducing my dose, trying to get completely off the damn things before I am forced to go right back on them when they start up the Whole Brain Radiation.
I can hardly wait.
I've been awake since 2 AM. Although I am an insomniac and am often up at hours like this, it is intentional this time. I have to take an EEG test at 8 am this morning which means I will need to be able to fall asleep in the doctors office. This is so they can study my brain waves as I sleep.
I'm not certain what they hope to gain by doing this but what the hell, I'll play. I just hope I can fall asleep when they want me to.
So this new Doc I have seems like a good one. She's a neurologist and is checking me for seizure risk originally but now has taken up an interest in my entire case. Apparently, one of her specialties is brain tumors, mostly primary ones but she is, she says, knowledgeable about metastatic tumors as well.
Perhaps because she noticed that I didn't even have a doctor lined up to follow-up my upcoming MRI, she has sort of taken me under her wing and will be reviewing the MRI results with me next week.
It's sort of comforting to finally feel like someone has taken specific interest in my case and I am very grateful to her for that. But she's a very direct, no-nonsense doctor and our visit left me thinking a little more seriously about my condition and prognosis.
All this has led to me getting myself into a not-so-good state of mind. I feel like my health, both mental and physical, is declining. But then I wonder.. is the way I feel from all the drugs they have me on? The steroids? (I'm nearly off them for now - taking a very small dose and will be completely off them in another week or so. Just in time to go back on them when or if I start the WBR treatment).
I seem to have more mental fogginess, I feel weaker physically.. more headaches. My new Doc says some or all of this could be a direct result of just being a person that has cancer and brain mets. But there's no way to really know. I could be a mixture of all of the above. Much of it might be depression - you know, thinking myself sick again.
Whatever it is, I don't like it. The end result is, I'm spending way too much energy and time thinking about my own death..
Am I dying? Eventually, of course. But more and more, I get the feeling that it may come sooner than anyone, including myself, wants to admit. I've learned too much. I know what my odds are and they are not good.
But the small part of me that wants to be more optimistic knows that anything could happen. I know that there are people out there that have lived on with worse odds than I have. I also know that all this death-talk is not helping me at all and I want to knock it off. It is not an easy thing to do though.
Screw this. I have no idea where this post is going now, though I knew when I started out. I sure didn't mean for it to become so depressing. I think I'll stop now and hope that my original idea comes back to me because this is not what I started out to write about today. I didn't intend for it to become such a bummer, as we used to say back in the '70's.
I'll try to come back to it later...
Sunday, May 06, 2007
More changes coming..
Never fear, a whole new look is coming. I'm just slow.
By the way.. I hope I haven't completely alienated anyone that actually reads this blog by exposing more of the "inner me" that is usually not evident in the other places I post.
Yes, I'm opinionated about certain things and occasionally profane but really, I'm not as big an asshole as I probably seem.
Anyway, you can't say I didn't warn you :)
By the way.. I hope I haven't completely alienated anyone that actually reads this blog by exposing more of the "inner me" that is usually not evident in the other places I post.
Yes, I'm opinionated about certain things and occasionally profane but really, I'm not as big an asshole as I probably seem.
Anyway, you can't say I didn't warn you :)
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
No song lyric quote today....
Well, this sucks. I had been reducing my steroid dose and only had a little over a week to go before I'd have been completely off them.
But last night I began to get a headache. I tried to ignore it. To blame it on a stiff neck.. but by this morning it was still there and getting worse. I took my daily walk at around 11:00 and by the time I got back, the pain nearly had me in tears..
So we called the doc and they said to increase my steroid dose again. So I popped one then and there and started feeling better within 30 minutes or so. It's been about an hour now and the headache is nearly gone.
So I guess I still have some swelling in my brain after all.. I am not certain what the implications of that are but I doubt it's good news.
Fuck.
But last night I began to get a headache. I tried to ignore it. To blame it on a stiff neck.. but by this morning it was still there and getting worse. I took my daily walk at around 11:00 and by the time I got back, the pain nearly had me in tears..
So we called the doc and they said to increase my steroid dose again. So I popped one then and there and started feeling better within 30 minutes or so. It's been about an hour now and the headache is nearly gone.
So I guess I still have some swelling in my brain after all.. I am not certain what the implications of that are but I doubt it's good news.
Fuck.
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