Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Messy Boy

"I've been uptight and made a mess
But I'll clean it up myself, I guess
Oh, the sweet smell of success
Handle me with care"
~ Traveling Wilburys

Here I am in the Santee Library again.. my new hang out. It's nice & close by and I could walk to it if need be.

For some reason, I find sitting in here better for thinking and writing that sitting at home. Less distractions I guess. Only bad part is that there is no nearby caffeine pusher to feed my habit. That's just as well, I guess. I'm jumpy enough naturally these days.

So tomorrow is a big day for me. Going to see Dr. Smith, the Radiation Oncologist to hopefully find out the whats and whens regarding my treatment. I am assuming they will still want to do the Whole Brain Rad. but don't really know. Since there have been other developments, they may suggest more targetted treatment for all I know. I would prefer that but don't really relish the idea of going up to Hollywierd again.

I'ts more likely to be WBR THEN SRS if needed.

I feel pretty good.. about as normal as I ever do these days. Of course, I'm doped up on Ativan to keep me from getting the heebie-jeebies. My thoughts feel pretty clear though, which they have not been lately.

I think I figured out whatI was trying to say the other day with all the death-talk...

It's not so much that I'm fixated on my own demise.. I'm certainly not suicidal or anything like that; I rather like being alive, even when being alive sometimes sucks, as it does for all of us sometimes.

But I would sor of like to know what some of my doctors feel my prognosis is. I have not asked. I know it's not very promising but I also know that it's not as bad as many folks out there have to face.

As someone on the List said recently, milk has expiration dates - people don't. So any answer I got would be taken by me as a challenge to prove them wrong by outliving my expiration day.

But having some idea of what to expect, in general, would be helpful to me because it would effect my actions in a dramatic way. If, for instance, I were to be told that I am not likely to be around a year from now, I'd work a lot harder at enjoying what I have left and at fixing some of the problems I'd like see fixed before I check out.

If they believe I have longer, why then I'd feel less urgency about these things - though I still need them fixed. I have a fair share of messes to clean up before I go, if you know what I mean.

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