Here we go again...
Well, they took some more pictures on Oct. 11 and this time, I was sure all would be well. After all, in August, when I was so worried, the scans came out as good news - no progression.
This time, once again, they are showing growth. From 8mm in August to 12X14mm in October. This is not a good thing but I have to wonder..
Last March, they said the largest nodule was 8mm. In June they said it had grown to 12mm. That's when I became concerned.. In August, they said it was stable at 8mm.
WTF? So did it grow, then shrink, then grow again?
Or is there variance in how the machine catches the nodules. I've read that there are though I can't recall the technical explanation at the moment. Also there could be variance in the way the radiologist reads the scans.
So is it growing or not? Who the hell knows. I have to assume that it is.
Fun stuff...
I'll find out on the 23rd of Oct. what, if anything will be done this time. As much as I dread things like needle biopsies and surgery or treatment, I'm gonna go nuts if I have to wait and wonder for another 3 months.
Cancer sucks!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
So as it turns out, the nodules in my lungs had no growth this time around.
Good news for a change.
Of course, better news would have been that they'd shrunk some or disappeared altogether but as I've come to know, that is pretty unlikely.
Still, I asked Dr. G if there was still some chance that the nodules are something other than recurrent cancer and he said, yes. How much of a chance, I have no idea. At the previous dr. visit, he had said that it was possible but unlikely.
So it's back to waiting.. They'll scan me again in November. I'm trying to get my brain out of Worrying Mode and back into Living Mode in the mean time.
I'm tired..
Tired of being afraid.
Tired of not feeling well.
Tired of being angry.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of feeling like I'm coming apart.
Tired of my own self-pity.
So anyway.. here's some lyrics to a song from my youth that apply to a certain young person that I know...
Good news for a change.
Of course, better news would have been that they'd shrunk some or disappeared altogether but as I've come to know, that is pretty unlikely.
Still, I asked Dr. G if there was still some chance that the nodules are something other than recurrent cancer and he said, yes. How much of a chance, I have no idea. At the previous dr. visit, he had said that it was possible but unlikely.
So it's back to waiting.. They'll scan me again in November. I'm trying to get my brain out of Worrying Mode and back into Living Mode in the mean time.
I'm tired..
Tired of being afraid.
Tired of not feeling well.
Tired of being angry.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of feeling like I'm coming apart.
Tired of my own self-pity.
So anyway.. here's some lyrics to a song from my youth that apply to a certain young person that I know...
Waiting for the winds of change
To sweep the clouds away
Waiting for the rainbow's end
To cast its gold your way
Countless ways
You pass the days
Waiting for someone to call
And turn your world around
Looking for an answer
To the question you have found
Looking for
An open door
You don't get something for nothing
You can't have freedom for free
You won't get wise
With the sleep still in your eyes
No matter what your dreams might be
What you own is your own kingdom
What you do is your own glory
What you love is your own power
What you live is your own story
In your head is the answer
Let it guide you along
Let your heart be the anchor
And the beat of your own song
You don't get something for nothing
You can't have freedom for free
You won't get wise
With the sleep still in your eyes
No matter what your dreams might be
~ Peart
Monday, August 14, 2006
As I approach the end of August, in which I will discover if my life is about to take a dramatic change.. I think I'll try to write in here more. I really need to get my head on straight.
Here's the deal.. In March of '06 on my regularly scheduled CT Scan, they discovered 3 tiny nodules on my lungs. There was a strong possibility that these were mets (metastatic cancer) from my original kidney cancer diagnosis (see earlier posts from '04).
But, said the doc, they could be anything, maybe nothing. So we waited 3 months for another scan. Well, on June 8, they scanned again and the nodules had grown. From 3mm to 8mm on 2 of them and 8mm to 12mm on the larger one. 35% growth.
Apparently, this seemed to rule out that they were harmless cysts or scar tissue because those things don't normally grow in size like that.
Doc said he wanted to wait another 3 months because they were still pretty small, perhaps too small for a needle biopsy. I then went up to Riverside, CA. for a 2nd opinion from Dr. Gailani who, unlike my local Oncologist, has at least some experience with RCC (Renal Cell Carcinoma).
Dr. G seemed to agree with Dr. Chen that watch-n-wait was the best course to take but seemed to understand my anxiety so offered to schedule me for a PET scan which might show the nodules to be cancer thus clinching the deal.
Here's where it gets funky though. According to Dr. G, a PET scan is sort of iffy, false negatives are common so while a positive result is heeded as reliable, a negative result is ignored, putting me back in watch-n-wait mode. In other words, a nagative result would NOT mean I was in the clear.
Now I've heard from other knowledgable folks who tell me just the opposite - that PET scan false negatives are at around the 5% range for nodules over 1cm (my largest nodules was 12mm or just over 1cm at last scan).
Who the hell knows?
Anyway, the results were negative. The Nurse, whom I trust called and told me it was 'good news' which only served to confuse me more because of what Dr. G had told me.
Since March I've been in a real funk.. feeling bad, having anxiety attacks, depression etc. I've been doing nothing but sit on my dead ass and worry since March. I feel like crap a lot of the time but I don't know if that's just from depression or what.
In 2 days I get my 3rd scan since the original sighting of the nodules. If there are more of them or the 3 have grown, I believe that will pretty much clinch the deal.. even though I've already been told by both doctors that I can pretty much count on them being recurrent RCC, there is still some lingering of uncertainty, apparently.
So this is the big one. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be told how I will die... maybe not right away but eventually. Other times I realize that is really just my depression making me be over-dramatic.
I'm really tired of feeling like crap 90% of the time. Once this is past, I really need to start moving.. doing something other than sit around thinking about dying. If it is cancer and I have to go through some sort of treatment, I'll deal with it and get through it.
But if it's not or if it's back to watch-n-wait mode then I absolutely must get back to living my life.. cause the way it is now just plain sucks.
Here's the deal.. In March of '06 on my regularly scheduled CT Scan, they discovered 3 tiny nodules on my lungs. There was a strong possibility that these were mets (metastatic cancer) from my original kidney cancer diagnosis (see earlier posts from '04).
But, said the doc, they could be anything, maybe nothing. So we waited 3 months for another scan. Well, on June 8, they scanned again and the nodules had grown. From 3mm to 8mm on 2 of them and 8mm to 12mm on the larger one. 35% growth.
Apparently, this seemed to rule out that they were harmless cysts or scar tissue because those things don't normally grow in size like that.
Doc said he wanted to wait another 3 months because they were still pretty small, perhaps too small for a needle biopsy. I then went up to Riverside, CA. for a 2nd opinion from Dr. Gailani who, unlike my local Oncologist, has at least some experience with RCC (Renal Cell Carcinoma).
Dr. G seemed to agree with Dr. Chen that watch-n-wait was the best course to take but seemed to understand my anxiety so offered to schedule me for a PET scan which might show the nodules to be cancer thus clinching the deal.
Here's where it gets funky though. According to Dr. G, a PET scan is sort of iffy, false negatives are common so while a positive result is heeded as reliable, a negative result is ignored, putting me back in watch-n-wait mode. In other words, a nagative result would NOT mean I was in the clear.
Now I've heard from other knowledgable folks who tell me just the opposite - that PET scan false negatives are at around the 5% range for nodules over 1cm (my largest nodules was 12mm or just over 1cm at last scan).
Who the hell knows?
Anyway, the results were negative. The Nurse, whom I trust called and told me it was 'good news' which only served to confuse me more because of what Dr. G had told me.
Since March I've been in a real funk.. feeling bad, having anxiety attacks, depression etc. I've been doing nothing but sit on my dead ass and worry since March. I feel like crap a lot of the time but I don't know if that's just from depression or what.
In 2 days I get my 3rd scan since the original sighting of the nodules. If there are more of them or the 3 have grown, I believe that will pretty much clinch the deal.. even though I've already been told by both doctors that I can pretty much count on them being recurrent RCC, there is still some lingering of uncertainty, apparently.
So this is the big one. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be told how I will die... maybe not right away but eventually. Other times I realize that is really just my depression making me be over-dramatic.
I'm really tired of feeling like crap 90% of the time. Once this is past, I really need to start moving.. doing something other than sit around thinking about dying. If it is cancer and I have to go through some sort of treatment, I'll deal with it and get through it.
But if it's not or if it's back to watch-n-wait mode then I absolutely must get back to living my life.. cause the way it is now just plain sucks.
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