You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
~ Pink Floyd

So just barely a month after my surgery, I've already got more shit in my brain.

That didn't take long, did it? That is pretty fucking fast if you ask me.

My son asked me if my religious views have changed since all this cancer nonsense started. I had to tell him, no, I'm still the same old unbeliever I've always been. I'm not an atheist, exactly.. I just can't seem to bring myself to believe in god simply on faith alone, no matter how comforting it may sound. He's going to have to show me something if he wants my vote.

If he wants to punish me by sending me to hell or whatever for feeling that way then so be it. I can't decide something like that based on a threat.

But I'm not anti-religious and I'm willing to admit that He could exist. I just doubt it a lot.

Anyway, it looks like I could be finding out the truth much sooner than I'd like.

It seems they've found more lesion in my brain.. as many as 4. Two for sure and two more tiny "maybe mets". This is some scary shit.

But I'm not really afraid of dying, exactly. Oh, I'm plenty scared of pain but being the old agnostic that I am, oblivion sounds kind of comforting. All worries gone for good.

But I don't want to leave my loved ones sooner than I normally would. Most of all, I don't want my wife, the love of my life, to be all alone.

No, what I'm personally afraid of more than anything is of something happening to my mind. This is why I've decided to refuse Whole Brain Radiation - I'd rather be dead than sitting here mumbling and drooling on myself. (That's an extreme, over-stated example - I know most patients that do WBR do not get that bad..).

Still, the whole idea scares the crap out if me.

So tomorrow we are heading up to Hollywierd to find out if they can zap my brain mets individually with their Novalis machine. We were unable to talk Kaiser into sending us to UCSD for the treatment, unfortunately. (the bastards).

If they succeed in getting control or eliminating the brain mets then I can start thinking about getting my lungs treated.

Cancer Sucks!