Hammers and Nails

"When the only tool you have is a hammer,
everything looks like a nail..."

~ Phish


Greetings, Imaginary Readers, where ever you might be...

I haven't written in here in a long, long time but I want to start again so off we go!

See, I've been in a weird place lately. It's not a very good place so this is hopefully the start of my journey out of it.

This won't be a post about my medical troubles.. most anyone bothering to read my blather knows most of that stuff anyway. Suffice it to say that I am still growing cancer in my brain, the docs keep zapping it away and I'm feeling not-so-bad for the most part and am ready to go back to work soon if I can wrangle it.

Here's the deal.. At some point, mostly over the last six months or so, I became convinced that I was going to be dead by now. The problem with this sort of thinking is that things change perspective in a very negative way. I originally thought it was just a way to stop myself from worrying all the time but it doesn't work that way.

Things stopped mattering to me. So, for example, I started smoking again.. Why not? It's not like getting cancer is a big fear of mine these days.. C.O.P.D. or name-your-smoking-related-malady? Who cared? I was going to be dead soon anyway, remember?

Why stay in shape? It's just a lot of hard work for a dead guy.. I'm supposed to be dead by now, I told myself, so I just stopped caring about much of anything. It seemed to me to be the easiest way to stop worrying and feeling sorry for my self. WRONG-O.

So what if I'm addicted to my pain meds.. I'll be dead before it matters. Right? Right? Bueller?

(I'm not really sure about the addiction thing but it's a possibility.. been talking with Mr. Percocet for quite some time now though I never take more than prescribed..)

I stopped reading for pleasure, I stopped writing, listening to music, playing with my computer. Hell, I even stopped masturbating or having any sex at all (Is that T.M.I. (too much information)? Probably. Who cares?

The one thing I never stopped caring about was and is my wife and family, whom I love beyond description. And things are mostly very good there. I didn't matter, only they did.

But any problems I did see there, mostly regarding their future well-being, seemed so insurmountable and unsolvable that I just tried not to think too much about that either.

Fat chance.

I used to spend an awful amount of time reading an awful lot about brain cancer statistics and median survival times and prognostic indicators and for someone in my position, what I read is not encouraging to say the least.

(Incidentally, for a more realistic and comforting view of such things, if you find yourself hung up on the odds of your own or a loved one's life expectancy, as I have been, I highly recommend the following article. It's called, "The Median isn't the Message" and here's a link:

http://cancerguide.org/median_not_msg.html )
(I should read this on a regular basis..)

Someone I should have listened closer to once told me something about cancer and statistics.. Here it is: They said that Milk cartons have expiration dates, people don't. Sage advice, that.

So I'd like to say that I'm done with all that. I'm probably not, not entirely but I'm going to try my best. Instead of sitting around waiting to die, I'd rather just assume that I will live - be it six months or sixty years. It's better that way for myself and for everyone around me. It has to be.

See, my feeling this way effects more than just myself, it has an effect on everyone around me and those that love me. It probably hurts them more than it does me. I'm still not afraid of dying, in and of itself (not a big fan of pain though lol).

I guess that's it for now. I had more to say but everyone is home now and I've lost my muse, such as it is.

I'll try to write more soon, Mr. Blog, Sir.

Go Chargers!

Well, here I am once more in Beautiful Hollywood, CA. for the 2nd time this year to have my head zapped by the big Novalis machine.

I'm in a cybercafe right on Hollywood Blvd. - Fun, if you like people watching like I do.

This time, I'm here for just one little .5mm met recently found in my left temporal lobe. That should be a snap but the rad. onc. in charge did warn me that sometimes they find more on these scans which apparently are more capable at picking stuff up than the leser machines used back at San Diego Kaiser.

I guess they bring out the big guns for folks like me. He also said that occasionally, they'll find nothing at all - I guess sometimes this happens with people on Sutent though I believe it's rare.

Still it's something to be hoped for.

Assuming they do find a little something, which seems likely, I am scheduled for a date with the Novalis machine tomorrow and should be home safe in San Diego by Thursday.

I hope everyone else is doing well and will post again once I know the story here.

Peace and good health to all RCC warriors!

- Joe

Cancer sucks!

I have to admit, things are getting a little scary for me again.

For the first time, today one of my docs referred to the nodule in my back as a met, unhesitatingly, as if there were never any question. Up till now, my other docs were all saying that the scans were inconclusive but this doc didn't seem to have much doubt.

I'll be getting a bone scan in the next few week which will hopefully nail it down one way or another.

Meanwhile, I am working on scheduling Novalis radiation treatment for the new nodule in my brain. That will mean another trip up to Hollywood (BLEH) - hopefuly I won't have to stay there an enture week this time.

I've been reading too many statistics and descriptions of the types of problem that can arise from having mets in the places I have them - most recently that would be in the temporal lobe - and I'm scaring the shit out of myself. I really need to cut that out.

This Feb. will be the 1 year anniversary of that first brain met and the dark, negative side of me is keeps wondering if I'll even make it to that point or how much longer.

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods again... :/

(My head hurts)

Understand

You've been talkin' back and forth in rhymes, you don't listen
Doesn't matter what I say

On your way...Gone
One too many days

You've been walkin' back and forth it's time that your missin'
Gets more pathetic every day

On your way...Gone
One too many days

Yeah I'll rue the day, when the day would come to you, wonder who's that man?
You look at you and notice that you and me have the same hands
These hands, your hands, they are my hands, they are our hands...Understand?
Well I hope we never go there...Understand?

You've been lying in and out of the sunlight
Time and seasons sleeping on the floor

On your way...Gone
One too many days

You've been driving up and down the countryside
Rhyme and reason just flew out the door

On your way...Gone
One too many days

Yeah I'll rue the day, when the day would come to you, wonder who's that man?
You look at you and notice that you and me have the same hands
These hands, your hands, they are my hands, they are our hands...Understand?
Well I hope we never go there...Understand?

You've been talkin' back and forth in rhymes, you don't listen
Doesn't matter what I say

On your way...Gone
One too many days

Yeah I'll rue the day, when the day would come to you, wonder who's that man?
You look at you and notice that you and me have the same hands
These hands, your hands, they are my hands, they are our hands...Understand?
Well I hope we never go there...Understand?
I hope we never go there...Understand
I hope we never go there...Understand
I hope we never go there...Understand

~ Al Schnier - moe.

New mets :(

[From my recent "List" post]

--snip--

Hi folks..

I just got some news. My neurologist just called me with my recent MRI results and the results are good and not-so-good.

The good news is that my previous radiation treatments have resulted in significant shrinkage of my remaining brain mets (The ones that popped up after my first SRS (Novalis - similar to Gamma Knife) ) So it appears that the Whole Brain Radiation that followed may have done me some good after all).

The bad news is that a new brain met was found. It's fairly small, just under 1 cm. But brain mets are never good news so I'm just a little freaked out.

I'm not sure of the exact location but this probably explains the increasingly severe headaches I've been getting. It is possible that I can get this new met zapped with more gamma knife so I'm crossing my fingers on that one.

I have an appt. with Dr. Gailani tomorrow to discuss the new brain met and the possible met that was recently seen on my spine. I have a bad feeling that this may spell the end of my treatment with Sutent (which had been working well for me) if I have to go back on steroids.. I believe I read that I can't do both at the same time.

God, I really hate those steroids...

--snip--

Witch Fire

"Look at the sky turn a hell fire red
Somebody's house is burnin' down down, down down
Down, down, down."

~ Hendrix

So once again, as in Oct. of 2003 (IIRC) it seems like the entire world is burning down here in San Diego. Right now, after burning for 4 days now, the fires are in a horseshoe pattern with us in the middle. I think we'll be ok though as the Santa Ana winds are easing up some. We just hope the wind doesn't shift and start blowing to the south/west.

The fire came within a stone's throw of our house in 2003 and our neighborhood was evac'd. It hasn't come that close this time around even though this fire is even larger than the 2003 Cedar fire. It's pretty scary regardless.

We really, really need a good rainy season around here... everything is dry as can be.

Nothing much new on the medical front. I'm hoping to have the report from last week's scan in hand by this Friday. I believe they would have called by now if anything too bad was seen so I am hopeful that I'll get a good report and be able to continue on with the Sutent.

What color is God?

"Why can't you tell me, can't you tell me?
What colour is god?"

~ Fish

Watching the News always makes me wonder about this world we live in.

Why do so many people object to the word "God"? Especially when associated with the United States?

I should tell you that I am not a religious person, though I'm not quite an atheist either. But I just read a story about a man that requested that a U.S. flag that was to be used as a memorial for the man's grandfather, a WWII vet, to include a certificate that had the words, "God, Country and Family".

But when the man received the certificate, it included only the words, "Country and Family". No deities allowed, apparently.

What gives? It doesn't specify which god. Don't most if not all deities translate as "god" when spoken or written in english? And if you're an atheist or agnostic then why would it effect you one way or another? You don't believe in him anyway, right?

People are really weird.

Got Mule?

"It's been a long time since I rock and rolled,
It's been a long time since I did the Stroll..."
~ Led Zeppelin

If anyone still bothers to look in here, I apologize for my long absence.

I've just not had much to say. Or, I have plenty to say but have lacked the gumption (I love that word) to get in here and write anything.

I've been taking a cancer drug called Stutent which had left me pretty listless. I take the drug in cycles, 4 weeks on then 2 weeks off, I guess indefinitely as long as it keeps working. I won't know till November whether it's doing me any good or not.

Luckily, during the 2 week rest period, the side effects abate for the most part so after the first few off days, I'm feeling a lot better though I still have the various other side effects from the radiation to deal with - I'm told it could be as long as 6 months to get over that (December)

Still, it feels good to have at least some of my energy back. I even mowed my lawn this morning with the old fashioned push mower (OK, I have a tiny yard and I'm putting the raking and sweeping off till tomorrow but cut me some slack, hmmm? :) ).

My favorite band, Gov't Mule, is coming to town this Nov. and I'm really looking forward to it. I hope I'll be feeling well enough to go and enjoy it properly. I'll be going with Glenn, my usual concert buddy but also hope to take along my 21 year old son to show him what a real rock 'n' roll show is like. Can't wait!

Just a quicky...

Just a quick and dirty cut -n- paste job from my Kidney-Onc List post to keep the ol' blog up to date...

--snip--

Hi folks,

Well, I just read through the report from my most recent MRI of my noggin.

There's some bad news but some good news as well..

Bad news first... The right Cerebral frontal lesion shows a "very slight" increase in size.

That's the bad news. Not too bad though, eh? Especially when compared to what my imagination had cooked up for me.

Those magic words, "NED" would have been more fun but this doesn't sound too bad, considering. I'll take it.

The better news:

There was a "slight decrease in size of the hemorrhagic left parietal lesion and no regrowth or recurrence of the left posterior parietal postoperative lesion.

(I'm not sure what this next part means or if it's good or bad...) multifocal small white matter long-TR hyperintense foci unchanged without contrast enhancement and without vasogenic edema.

(If anyone has a clue about that last paragraph, comments are more than welcome.)

No evidence for herniation or for midline structural shift

(not sure about the above line either..)

And saving the best for last: NO EVIDENCE OF INTERVAL NEW METASTASES (Yay me!)

So it seems like a fairly positive report, certainly better than I had been anticipating.

I still haven't consulted with any of my onc. docs regarding my recent CT or this MRI. If no one contacts me soon, I'll get on the horn and get after them. Or better yet, I'll sick my wife on them.. that'll get them moving if anything will... :)

Hang tough, fellow RCC warriors!

--snip--

Lazy damn doctors...

In about 1 hour, I'm driving down to Kaiser to get the written part of my MRI report. Scanxiety is at an all time high.

Apparently, Kaiser are just too busy to be bothered by having call and give their opinions so I have to go get the report myself and hope I can make some sense of it. As it stands right now, I don't even have any appointments set up with ant of my onc, docs.

Hey, maybe that means I'm all cured! ....or not.

I really dislike Kaiser's way of dealing with this sort of thing. (or, more properly, NOT dealing with it...)

Don't they realize that I might be just a little bit anxious to hear what they have to say about these latest CT and MRI scans? Sheesh!!

Oh well, I'll pass along the info as soon as I am able...

The Mask

"Pay me, I'll be your surgeon
I'd like to pick your brain..."

~ Blue Oyster Cult

So here are some pics of the mask that was used for my Whole Brain Radiation treatments. The mask used for the earlier targeted SRS (Novalis) treatments was very similar only much tighter and more uncomfortable.

Either one beat the hell out of the older method which involved a "halo-like" device which they apparently bolted directly to your head. This method is still used in some places, I'm told though I can't imagine why.

The marks you see on the outside of the mask are used to make sure your noggin is in precisely the same position between treatments. As I've mentioned before, the treatments themselves were no big deal, especially the WBR.

Basically, they lay you on the table, put your head into the mask and then fasten the mask to the table. Then they use the marks to position you properly.

Then it's zap, zap, zap... and that's about all there is to it.

MRI day

"Well I bumped inside the magic man
And he layed some tricks for me
He said, "You do need help my friend"
I whispered, "obviously"

He laid a spread of Jacks and Queens
And he bade me take my pick
But every face had your face
I cried out, "I am sick..." "

~ D. Roeser - P. Smith (Blue Oyster Cult)

Today is a big day for me. In about 45 minutes, I'm off to Kaiser for what may prove to be a crucial MRI scan of my brain. Hopefully, I'll soon know if both the targeted SRS treatments I received back in April and the more recent WBRT has done me any good or not.

The best news would be that all existing mets have been eradicated. This is not terribly likely but is not ungeard of either. If they've shrunk or even just become stable, well, even that would be cause for celebration.

If the brain lesions have grown or, worse, new ones have appeared... well, lets just say, that would suck in a big way. I don' think I need to say what that would do to my chances of overall survival.

I feel pretty good and am trying to stay positive but I have to admit, I didn't really know what "Scanxiety" really meant till now.

Unfortuately, this is Kaiser we're dealing with so I probably won't know any result till a week from today at the earliest. Be sure that I'll update here and on the List as soon as I know anything.

In the mean time, any positive vibes you may have to spare are more than welcome. And those of you with religious beliefs, well, if you don't mind sending out prayers for this old unbeliever, well, I'll gratefully accept those as well. I may need all the help I can get.

I don't need no doctor...

"I don`t need no doctor
My prescription tells me that
I don`t need no doctor
I don`t need no doctor

All I need is my baby
You don`t know I`m in misery

I don`t need no doctor
I don`t need no doctor

Well, the doctor said I need rest
He put me on the critical list
Keeping me safe from harm
All I need is her sweet charm

He gave me a medicated lotion
It wouldn`t do, woah yeah
My emotion, oh yeah

I don`t need no doctor
I don`t need no doctor
I don`t need no doctor"

~ Humble Pie

So I got the results back from last week's CAB (chest, abdomen, pelvis) CT scan . Looks like that shit is still growing.. The largest nodule is now up over 2cm. I'll have to check the previous scans but I believe this is the most growth I've had between my 3 months scan schedule.

Not the what I was hoping to hear but it could be worse, I suppose. AFAIK, my regular onc docs are either unable or unwilling to treat the lung lesions until my brain mets have at least stabilized (I'll know about that in about 2 weeks). Till then I guess it's RCC free-for-all party time in Joe's lungs... (Wheeee!)

Here's a cut-n-paste job from what I scanned off the report. As usual, much of it is greek to me but I'll get busy with google when I'm done here. I haven't talked to any docs yet about these results.

--snip--

DATE OF EXAM: June 28, 2007 NAME OF EXAM: CT chest, abdomen and pelvis TRANSCRIPTIONIST'S INITIALS: efs COMMENT:

CT examination of the chest, abdomen and pelvis was performed following intravenous and oral contrast. Transaxial CT images were obtained through the chest from the thoracic inlet to the lung bases.

Comparison is made with previous CT dated March 12, 2007. 2.5-mm thin sections through the chest were obtained. There is a 4.8-mm in size non-calcified pulmonary nodule within the posterior right upper lung field, near the major fissure and likely within the right upper lobe, slightly better seen on the current examination.

There is a stable 4.8-mm in diameter nodule within the right middle lobe and slightly enlarged non-calcified pulmonary nodule within the right lower lobe which currently measures 12-rnjn (increased from 10-mm) in its largest dimension. On the left, there is a lobular enlarging mass within the left lower lobe which currently measures 2.4 x 2.1-cm in its largest dimension. Adjacent to this is increasing linear density consistent with scarring or atelectasis. Increased linear scarring and atelectasis is also seen more anteriorly within the lingula.

There is no evidence of pleural effusion. No new parenchyma! nodules are seen within either lung. There is no significant mediastinal or hilar adenopathy. The heart remains normal in size. There is no pericardial thickening or effusion. The great vessels appear normal.

Transaxial images from the liver dome through the symphysis pubis demonstrate normal-size liver and spleen without focal mass. The patient is status post right nephrectomy. The left kidney enhances normally without evidence of solid mass or cyst. The pancreas and left adrenal gland appear normal. The patient is status post right adrenalectomy. No intra-abdominal or pelvic adenopathy or ascites is seen. Bone windows demonstrate no definite osseous metastases. The right eleventh rib has been partially resected.

IMPRESSION: -1) In comparison with the prior CT's of March 12, 2007, multiple bilateral pulmonary nodules, the largest within the lower lobes, have increased in size. Status post right nephrectomy and right adrenalectomy. Result SCHED FOR JUNE '07

--snip--

Panic attack!

"Climb to safety
After all that I've been through, you're the only one that matters
Climb to safety
You never left me in the dark here on my own
Climb to safety
Feel the water rising. Let me be your ladder
Climb to safety
I promise you'll be dry and never be alone

You call me on the phone, you say that it is crucial
You stick your fingers in your ears 'til they explode
I guess the business will be goin' on as usual
We must grab each others collar, we must rise out of the water
'Cause you know as well as I do that it's no fun to die alone

Climb to safety
After all that I've been through, you're the only one that matters
Climb to safety
You never left me in the dark here on my own
Climb to safety
Feel the water rising. Let me be your ladder
Climb to safety
I promise you'll be dry and never be alone

Climb to safety, safety
Climb to safety, safety
Climb to safety, safety
Climb to safety, safety"

~ Widespread Panic

No, not that kind of panic attack! This was the good kind...

I was able to go out last Sunday night to see Widespread Panic with my good friend.

I can't begin to tell you how good it was to get out of the house, hear some great live music and feel like my old self, at least a little.

It went very well. I had been worried that I'd get too tired or get one of my headaches but I felt fine though I did have take my cane along and sit down quite a bit to rest.

But it was a smallish venue and the sound was excellent no matter where you sat.. WP is not really a visual type of band.. it's more about the jams so sitting in the back was just fine.

I was dead tired by the time I got home but it was well worth it.. I've been tired before.. :)

I have to admit, I am not used to going to a show completely sober like that (I can't really drink alcohol at all now days) but it was no big deal. I spent so much of my earlier days partying like there was no tomorrow, I guess a little sobriety is probably a good thing.

Hearing live music that I love and thinking about something other than cancer for a few hours is the best sort of party anyway....

Can't get high...

"Violent romantic
On a seven day binge
Losin' a gamble
But I get my revenge
Start thinking about thunder
And I get mad again
Soaking up electricity
Like bourbon and gin

Now that you're gone
I'm sober every night
I can't get high - no -
I can't get right"

~ Widespread Panic

Coffee shop day...

I think I've finally turned the corner as far as this week's steroid dose reduction.. Now down to just 1mg. am and 1 mg. pm. This was a difficult one. I began getting terrible headaches Sunday morning and had to resort to visiting good old Mr. Oxycodone. But it was a little better each day and today I'm feeling almost normal and havn't had to take any dope. (The oxy makes me feel great, even if it doesn't alwats kill the headache completely but I really don't need to develop a habit with the stuff so I try and use it sparingly..)

So it looks like I'll be going with my buddy to see Widespread Panic on the 1st. We should be able to get handicap parking and hopefully seating as well.. (I still can't walk or even stand for long periods of time). So hopefully I'll feel well enough to enjoy the music.. though it still feels odd to me to go see a show completely sober - I don't dare drink anything these days...

But I've been stuck at home so much these last few months, I'm really looking forward to it. I just hope it's not a drag for my friend having to hobble along with the sick guy..

...and I'm out!

"Consideration for your fellow man
Would not hurt anybody, it sure fits in with my plan
Over the border, there lies the promised land
Where everything comes easy, you just hold out your hand

"Keep your suspicions, I've seen that look before
But I ain't done nothing wrong now, is that such a suprise
But I've got a sister who'd be willing to oblige
She will do anything now to help me get to the outside

So don't tell anybody what I wanna do
If they find out you know that they'll never let me through, because

It's no fun being an illegal alien, I tell ya
It's no fun being an illegal alien, and it's getting me down
It's no fun being an illegal alien, no no no no no
It's no fun being an illegal alien, yeah yeah yeah"
~ Genisis

I found me a new coffee shop with free WIFI access. Iit like this one so far - it's easy to get to from where I drop Dianna off at work and seems friendly. Iy's in Kensington off Adams Ave. near to where Dianna and I lived when Jason was born.

I do prefer it to the library because they have good coffee, a better atmosphere and are open early (Library doesn't open till 10.

Not much to say today but I promised myself to post *something* every day that I am able.

I continue to feel slightly better each passing day.. not dramatically so but noticeable. This is good news.

I keep seeing signs, bumper stickers and t-shirts that say things like "Human Beings are not Illegal", "Being Mexican is not a crime" and so on.

I couldn't agree more but have to add that what IS illegal is sneaking to the U.S. illegally. Why is that so hard for so many people to understand?

All people are welcome in this country, it's what we're supposed to be all about, right? Color, race and religion make zero difference as long as they're not criminals or whatever.

So name me one single other country that allows people to come at will to live in their country and live with no proof of who they are or need to pay taxes and so on. As far as I know, there isn't one, including Mexico itself.

Yet Americans are seen as evil racicts for not just allowing everyone to come and go as they please.

It ticks me off and there is nothing racict about it. I'd feel the same about white skinned Canadians if they were coming over in similar numbers.

/rant off

For your amusement...

"I looked in the mirror today
My eyes just didn't seem so bright
I've lost a few more hairs
I think I'm going bald

I think I'm going bald

Seems like only yesterday
We would sit and talk of dreams all night
Dreams of youth
And simple truths
Now we're so involved
So involved with life

Walk down vanity fair
Memory lane everywhere
Wall Street shuffles there
Dressed in flowing hair

Once we loved the flowers
Now we ask the price of the land
Once we would take water
But now it must be wine
Now we've been
And now we've seen
What price peace of mind

Take a piece of my mind

My life is slipping away
I'm aging every day
But even when I'm grey
I'll still be grey my way"
~ Peart

As promised....



That's one handsome, blue-eyed devil, hmmmm?

Still alive & Well... (every now and then I know it's kinda hard to tell...)

Well, I haven't posted here in a while and I imagine that the legions of adoring Wild Ride readers are clammoring mightily by now... (cough) [sound of crickets]

Today is my last day of Whole Brain Radiation Therapy (WBRT). I hope it has done me some good but have to admit that I don't have a lot of confidence in it. Most literature I've been able to dig up seems to suggest that it (WBRT) is just no good at wiping out "radioresistant" tumors such as Renal Cell Carcinoma.

Still, if it buys me some time and quality of life then I guess it'll have been worth it.

I am starting to get a little uncomfortable about the following weeks as I understand that the cumulative effects build over weeks and months and that it's likely to get worse before it gets better. But we'll see. I still feel fairly decent for now though I'm weaker than a geriatric lamb these last few days.

Lets see.. lots of other stuff going on around here.

My brother is flying in from Baltimore today with our 17 y/o nephew whom has been staying with them in DC while his father was in jail for assaulting the boy's mother - my sister - who was recently admitted to a full-time nursing care facility, probably permanently due to severe diabetes, spinal meningitis and a whole host of other dire health issues both mental and physical, some self-inflicted and some just plain shitty luck. She is 9 years my senior.

My bother, 10 years my senior, has just recovered from a quadruple bypass accompanied by a few scary days from complications - revisits to the hospital due to infection. But he seems to have come through it all in fairly good shape.. Oh and his younger daughter is getting married in a few months so I sure hope everyone can remain healthy long enough to attend, including myself. The wedding will be on the east coast so I'm not sure if I'll be up to it by then or not but I am hoping, even though I barely know her, sadly.

The father of my sister's son, my nephew, was arrested for assault I believe on the same night that I went to the hospital for that initial brain tumor/hemorrhage. No one mentioned it to me till a week or so after. I guess they figured I had enough on my mind as it was.

Turns out that this normally quiet, timid man got drunk, freaked out and tried to stab my invalid sister. The charges were eventually reduced from attempted murder to assault. He's still in the clink as I type this and there's a whole lot more to that story but no need to go into it here...

My father is losing his eyesight to macular degeneration and suffering severe depression for which he flat refuses any sort of treatment for and my mother seems to be slipping into early stage alzheimer's and hearing loss.

Sometimes it feels like our entire family is going to hell in a bucket.

But I know many out there have it as bad or worse so I keep my head up for the most part. But some days.....

I don't usually talk about my family much here and I'm not sure why I did today.. it was just on my mind I guess.

See you next time..

Rock and Roll ain't noise pollution...

"If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were your own?

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air"
~ Hunter

I love rock lyrics, don't you?

Sure, a lot of it is crap and doggerel but there's plenty of good stuff too and maybe it's because I've spent my life listening to rock music, I can (and do) find some song quote to go with nearly any situation.

It's sort of like a reflex with me.. I hear people say things, read a line from a page in a book or have a certain thought and songs are launched in the radio that I carry in my head.

It might be an Alice Cooper song from 1972 or Phish from 1998 or even some annoying commercial jingle from 2007 - I guess what I'm trying t say is, I am and always have been deeply moved and motivated by music of all kinds.. though I will always be a rocker first and foremost.

Music heals me, soothes me and calms me. I can even be calmed, under the right circumstances, by something like a really noisy, hammering speed metal song - "Master of Puppets" by Metallica, maybe though I usualy gravitate to mellower stuff these days.

Sometimes I think everything will be ok as long as I never lose my music....

Is there anybody out there?

So how do you like the new layout so far? It's not much but I'll continue tweaking it as I go along.

The picture up top is of my desktop here at CroakerJoe central, in case you're wondering.

Does anyone actually read this thing or am I just blabbing to myself? Comments are definitely encouraged :)

Maybe I should say something outrageous and see if anyone bites?

In other news.. I begin my Whole Brain Radiation treatment on monday. I'm still a little apprehensive about it but am resigned to it. With new lesions popping up every month like bad pennies, I guess I'm pretty much out of options.

If this doesn't work, I'll still be able to go back and do more targeted radiation zapping if need be so I ain't done yet...